Multi-Colored Flatulence

So a candid and honest conversation among some members of our family confirmed what my gut has been telling me about this blog for quite some time, "From reading your blog it seems like it all rainbow farts and sunshine over there..."

Um, nope. Time for a reality check. This blog has come to a crossroad. Its time to either be real or shut the thing down. I'm choosing to be real. You might not like what you read.

How do you...

...blog about the fact that the honeymoon period ended several months ago and that things are far from pretty? How do you blog about the fact that one of your children is falling apart right in front of your eyes and your intuition tells you that you are doing nothing to help them, that, instead, you think you might be making it worse? How do blog about the fact that said child starts nearly every day and kicks off many bed times in a screaming fit? No - a screaming fit doesn't do it justice. How do you blog about the fact that said child becomes so angry that they become wild animal-like, their eyes fixed and blazing, their mouth foaming with screams so violent that their voice is hoarse two days later? How do you blog about the fact that, as this kid's mom, you know that the intense and high energy but usually charming sunshiny public self this child is so good at putting out into the world is really often a protection mechanism and a loud, anxiety-driven demand for help to feel more safe? How do you blog about the fact that the public has no idea what is really going on and is completely charmed by their desperate behavior, often making things worse? How do you blog about the fact that this same child has shared the wonderful and grounded being they are at their core with you, but that you can't help them feel safe enough to reveal that self very often? How do you blog about the fact that these things break your heart repeatedly every day? How do you blog about the fact that the therapist says it will get worse before it gets better?

How do you blog about the fact that you find yourself having a harder and harder time finding compassion for said child despite the fact that you know with 100% certainty that it is not their fault and that they are suffering more than you are? How do you blog about the fact that compassion, understanding, and unburdened love are what your child seems to need, but that it is uncomfortable and unnatural for you to provide these things for them? How do you blog about the fact that your attachment-challenged kiddo also seems to have an attachment-challenged momma? How do you explain this without sounding like you don't love your child because you do? How do you blog about how horrid this makes you feel? How do you blog about the fact that tightly wound stress and deep seated worry are your two constant companions? How do you blog about the fact that you are growing increasingly disappointed in the parent you seem to be?

How do you blog about the fact that your other child reminds you constantly that you do have the natural ability to mother, love, nurture, snuggle and play? How do celebrate this other child's miraculously smooth and open transition into your family while their sibling is struggling right there next to them? How do you blog about this other child shutting down in a trance of tears at gymnastics because they are so afraid that they might not master a new skill on the first try? How do you blog about the fact that at least with this child, you can scoop them up and comfort them and help them feel safe enough again to rejoin the group and end the day in success? How do you blog about the fact that you suspect this deeply held fear of failure is rooted in a fear that if they're not good enough at something, anything, they'll be sent away once again? 

How do you answer the constant barrage by well-meaning acquaintances inquiring about how the kids' transition is going when all they want to hear is, "Great! They've learned English, are doing great in school, play on a soccer team, and are generally two happy kids!" (not a lie, but only the surface view of how things are going too). How do you blog about the reality of adopting older children that have experienced more heartbreak in their 6 and 7 years on this earth than many of us will in our lifetimes? How do you explain the entirety of your reality in two quick sentences? How do you do it without sounding like you regret your decision, which you definitely don't? How do you blog about these things without sounding hopeless, which you definitely aren't? How do you maintain your child's privacy while letting those you love and those that love you and your kids and those that might be exploring international adoption for the first time peer through the rainbow from time to time and see the ominous and dark thunderclouds in the background for what they are? How do you let these people really see how hard you're struggling in this place of rainbows, sunshine, and thunderstorms? 

I don't know. And so, I continue writing this blog because it gives me a place to memorialize the rainbow farts and sunshine - they're real too - to focus on and savor the things that are going well. To bask in the radiant smiles of my amazing kids. To connect with others that are traveling similar paths.

I guess there's always two sides to a story. We'll have to see where this one goes from here.

I scoured our home and this is the closest thing I could find to rainbow
farts - our dirty dishes. A rainbow of colors since we've gotten so short on
clean dishes we've moved to the camping gear. There is a slight odor...

Before you go calling Public Health - I washed them all tonight. We're
hanging in there...