Fear

Oh little one that keeps all of your big feelings locked up tightly inside of you. I am sorry I triggered your fear yesterday. I should have given you more warning that we needed to have some blood drawn. Honestly, I forgot until it was the last minute and we had to go. I will do my best not to spring something like that on you again. We both know that you can now usually handle invasions of your body and personal space if you are given enough warning beforehand. Just last week you volunteered to get your shots first and you barely flinched, even on the third one. We celebrated as you walked triumphantly out of the doctors office, your prize sucker hanging proudly out of your mouth.

It has been a while since we've seen that fear or yours. The fear that comes from somewhere deep down inside. The fear that overtakes you - causes you first to try to flee and, when that doesn't work, causes you fight. The fear that glazes over your eyes as you try to release it in loud, primal shrieks. You've overcome so much in nine months. We used to experience your fear every time we gave you a bath. The doctor and the dentist were out of the question. Honestly, I may have forgotten just for a little while that you still have that fear locked up inside of you along with those secrets of your past that you aren't comfortable sharing yet. Yeah, those secrets. The ones that cause you to toss and turn and moan and swing your fists in your sleep. We know they're in there, your daddy and me, and it breaks our hearts.

You are so brave little one. I am constantly in awe of your ability to move forward and jump into new adventures even when you know first-hand what real fear - raw terror - is. Just yesterday it took you mere minutes to shake off the blood draw and run up to me for a huge, reassurance-filled hug. Don't think I haven't noticed that you are starting to let the fear loosen its grip on your heart and trust, just a little bit, that we WILL pick you up at the end of each day and that you can rely on us to keep you safe. I hope that you are starting to realize that I'll be there to hold you through your fear and celebrate with you when you make it out unscathed on the other side. I'll be there to try and help you process it when you're ready and, I promise, I won't judge you. Your fear isn't a sign of weakness and it will not ever cause us to give up on you. You are our child, fear, failure, success, triumph, bravery, and a million other things - forever.