A New Take On The Same Old Life

Over the past few weeks I've had this ongoing battle in my head regarding this blog. A huge part of me has been wanting to share how things have really been going, but my the sensible side of my momma-brain knows that I can't. I can't because this blog isn't just about me. In fact, it's always been more about Ashagre and Elsa than it has me, and, as their momma, its my job to protect them. It's my job to only publish things about them I think they won't mind reading some day. So I'll just say that things have been rough around here lately. There has been a lot of stress and tension in our household and everyone has been feeling it. There's been more yelling and interactions clouded in frustration than any of us would like to admit. There's been less patient nurturing of our emerging emotional ties and more auto-pilot-style, task-to-task care serving as a protection mechanism for fragile, exhausted souls.

There is a huge part of me that feels like such a hypocrite maintaining this blog - this smiles and sunshine view into our lives, post adoption. The reality is the smiles and sunshine are definitely a part of our lives (there is no way I could coax unwilling kids into smiling in all those pictures and we do live in southern California, after all). But there is a cloudier part too. Creating a new family through adoption, particularly with children that have already experienced so much pain in their lives and have already formed some of their own views on how this big old world works is hard. It's really tough. Tougher than Brent or I imagined, even though we tried really hard to imagine the worst-case scenarios before we made the decision to adopt and even though we are nowhere near those worst-case scenarios now.

There were times over the past few months that I truly believed the whole precarious system we had orchestrated to keep our family cruising down the road of school and careers and after school activities might just crumble around us. We were making these external responsibilities happen, but internally, both individually, and as a family, we were suffering. Personally, I felt trapped. I knew we couldn't continue this way, but I didn't know how to fix it. I went to talk to my doctor about depression. She told me that I couldn't keep on without carving out some time to take care of myself. I knew she was right.

Meanwhile, that energy we threw out into the world in September was slowly materializing. Finally, it has manifested itself in a new direction for our family. A new direction that should be more flexible, less exhausting, and more resilient. This weekend has really been no different than the past few, but it has felt so much lighter. It's been so enjoyable to just let it unfold from classmates' birthday parties to bike riding in the street to morning snuggles and giggles to the kids' first rainbow spotting and even onto a few quiet moments for Brent and I just to breathe it all in and realize that all is good.

Soaking up the warmth of Mommy and Daddy's bed on a crisp Sunday morning.

So what's the scoop? How did it all unfold? First, I'll just say that things really won't be changing all that much, not at all like some of the big changes we were considering a month ago. And that feels good. Sometimes you have to almost decide to leave a place to truly understand much you love it and how connected you've become to it. We're not leaving Ventura and I feel so very peaceful about that.

In August the kids started school and, last minute, Brent and I created this grand scheme to make our lives work. On the surface it worked just fine, but in reality, it started wearing us down as soon as we unrolled it. So in late August when I just happened to notice a job announcement for a position very similar to the one I have now, but with the Federal government in Sacramento, I applied. I scored high in the pre-screening test and kicked a@% in my phone interview. We drove to Sacramento and spent an amazing weekend with our friends, Ashley and Even, imagining our new lives many miles north of Ventura. The cost of living in Sacramento is much lower. There seemed to be the possibility that we might be able to exist on my salary alone. We started daydreaming about buying one of the many foreclosed houses in Sacramento and Brent spending his days fixing it up. I imagined my kids going to a school where many more kids had shades of beautiful brown skin just like theirs. I did quite fine in the in-person interview. I got the job.

In a parallel world, a lunch meeting that had been scheduled, canceled, and rescheduled many times over finally came about. I sat down with a colleague that has much more experience in the crazy world of water in Ventura County and picked her brain. She immediately sensed my searching for something different. She suggested I consider a new position that had just opened up in her office. A few days later she emailed me to tell me not to accept any offers from Sacramento until her firm had had a chance to talk to me.

I got an offer for the Sacramento job, but the salary came in lower than I had expected. I negotiated with them, but didn't get as far as I had hoped. I interviewed with the local firm. They made me a solid offer. I turned down the job in Sacramento and relished in the view of the waves passing rhythmically under the pier as I drove from work to pick up the kids at their truly one-of-a-kind school. I breathed in the ocean-cleansed air and took an extra minute or two to enjoy connecting with our neighbors. I celebrated the fact that we will be staying in Ventura.

Then it was time for Brent to rearrange his side of the puzzle. You see, at this new job I will no longer be waking up at 4:30 a.m. to start work at 6:00 a.m. so I can pick the kids up from school at 3:00 p.m. Brent worked with his company. They heard his suggestions and respected his choice to put his family first. He is currently working with them to restructure things so he can wrap up his days at 2:30 (minus a few phone calls or afternoon emails) and be back in Ventura to pick up the kids from school by 3:00. He will not have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to do this, so all of us will be keeping more traditional family hours.

I start my new job at the end of the month. The kids will no longer go to the babysitter's house for 45 minutes in the morning before school. I'll drop them off instead. I will no longer work an eight hour day prior to trying to be a caring, patient, and nurturing (and tired) mommy from 3:00 until bed time. The precarious balance we had been working so hard to maintain should no longer be so fragile.

On top of all this, we have located what seems to be a great therapist with many years of experience in attachment after adoption. Brent and I are excited to start gaining some new parenting tools. We're hopeful that therapy will help our most attachment-challenged kiddo make some emotional and developmental gains. I'm excited to learn how to better support and nurture both of my kiddos. As November gets into full swing it seems we are no longer stuck and there just might be plenty to be thankful for.