Hair Success!

I'll be totally honest here.  When I set out to detangle Ashagre's hair for the first time tonight I had already written the title of this post in my head - Hair: FAIL.

Ashagre's hair, when stretched, is now probably about two inches long.  I have been feeling guilty about how tight his little coils have gotten for over a week.  Each individual little coil was starting to feel like a hard little ball on his head.  I knew it needed to be detangled, but I really wanted to keep pretending his hair was too short and avoid it.  The past few days though the guilt became too much, and when we wrapped up dinner early with enough time for an early bath I knew I needed to bite the bullet and go for it.

Photographic proof of how bad his hair had gotten.  See all
the little clumped coils close to his scalp?   Notice the outer
layer of fuzzy ends?  Bad mommy.

We made a deal with him before he even got in the bath that he could watch "TV" (something streamed on our computer off of Netflix - he chose Cat in the Hat) if he took a fast bath and then let mommy play with his hair.  He agreed and was SUPER cooperative - a big difference from the little boy of a few months ago that was scared into flight (and fight) mode by any new activity involving his body.

After his bath, lotion, and PJ's I added copious amounts of coconut oil to his hair and went to work, first with my fingers and then with our shiny new pink Tangle Teaser comb.  His hair really wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought it was, but it definitely needed the attention.  We only had a very small handful of "Ow's" during the hour and a half session and the result was wonderful.  His detangled hair was so soft.  I think he was proud of it because he kept petting it and told me he liked it as I gave him his good night hug.

Knowing how soft his hair can be when it is detangled will keep me motivated to keep it up.  That and the fact that it really wasn't that big of a deal.

Elsa's hair is still short enough that I can maintain it daily with my fingers, but I don't think it will be too long until I am working on her's too.  Since I decided to blog about hair tonight I will throw it out there that my co-worker's sister who is African American complimented how nice her hair was and how good of a job I was doing at keeping it moisturized.  That's a huge compliment for this straight-haired momma.  The same woman also reassured me that there is an entire cadre of women available to help me learn how to braid when her hair gets a bit longer.  That produced a huge sigh of relief.

First Easter

The kids' first Easter was certainly a huge success.  We started trying to explain the holiday to them earlier in the week.  They made a couple of Easter-related crafts at school and I bought some books to show them the Easter Bunny, eggs, and egg hunts.  Then packages started arriving from the relatives and the whole thing got a little more exciting.  By Saturday when we finally had a chance to dye eggs they seemed to understand the basic idea and were pretty excited to see what the Easter Bunny did with their eggs the next morning.

Brent and I got up at 5:00 AM to hide the eggs and set their Easter baskets outside their bedroom door. Brent quickly sent me back to bed as he was certain my horrendous cough would wake up Ashagre and Elsa.  The kids usually wake up at 6:30, but can start to stir earlier.  This will probably be the last Easter that they sleep in.  I heard them discussing the finer points on what goes in the recycling and what goes in the garbage (yes, they are our kids now) around 7:45 and poked my head in their room around 8:00.

Ashagre spotted the Easter baskets outside their open door first.  He pointed, asking "Mindendow? Daddy mail?"  I told him that I wasn't sure what they were and they he should go check them out.  Both kids pounced on their baskets instantly, going straight for the new sets of legos.  A few minutes later, Elsa raised her arms above her head like long bunny ears, hopped around the room, asking, "Mommy?  Eggs?"  You could see that the whole Easter experience clicked for her.  The Easter Bunny had brought them baskets full of presents and wasn't he supposed to hide their eggs too?

It was drizzling outside so we spent a lazy morning in our PJ's building the kids' new lego sets and working on their new puzzles.  After breakfast, the kids decided they wanted to dress up, and Elsa put on a new dress she had gotten from my Aunt for Easter and Ashagre chose a new button up shirt we had been saving for a special day.  The rain stopped and we went outside to hunt for eggs.

Elsa got scared at first.  I think she thought the Easter Bunny might still be lurking around somewhere and she was pretty certain she didn't want to run into him.  Once we helped each kid find their first few eggs they were really in to it.  The Easter Bunny did a pretty good job of hiding the eggs so the hunt lasted a while, but they did find them all.

Later in the afternoon we went over to the neighbor's for another egg hunt and an BBQ.  It was a fun-filled day.  I am sure the kids will be looking forward to Easter when it comes around next year.

It's the Subtle Things

When Barack Obama was elected the first black President of the United States some said that we had finally entered a post-racial era in this country.  Many begged to differ.  They argued that while the overt racism that existed in our country a few decades ago was largely, but not totally, gone there was still a subtle yet strong current of racism alive and flowing throughout our communities.

As new parents of two black children, Brent and I are learning a little bit about what it means to be black in America as first hand as someone with white skin can - through the eyes of our children.

Today Brent took the kids to fly kites and play at the playground at one of our favorite parks up the road.  Kite flying was a bit of a disaster as the kids weren't their most patient; however, the trip was still a large success as the kids ventured over to the playground to play with some of the other kids.  This is a big deal in our family right now because both Ashagre and Elsa have thus far had a hard time interacting with their peers.

[An aside example: The other day, when I took the kids to visit their new school a little boy in the classroom asked me if Ashagre's name was Eh-Stop because whenever he asked him what his name was he said, "Eh-stop," (Ashagre's pronunciation for Stop) as in "stop talking to me."  Fortunately he didn't yell at the kid to go or go lay down (a command for the dogs that has been generalized) as he has done to other kids in past interactions.]

Back to the playground.  So, this particular playground has sand for the playing surface.  When they began playing at the playground, Brent explained to the kids that it was fine if they carried the sand around or dug in the sand, but they weren't allowed to throw the sand.  Both kids understood and agreed.  As Ashagre engaged in a game of transporting sand around the playground with 5 or 6 other kids, things started to get a little chaotic.  Sand started flying.  Ashagre, however, were NOT throwing sand.  Brent was watching.

Another adult addressed the group of kids saying, "Ok everyone, this is getting out of hand.  We don't throw sand.  It's dangerous.  It could get in someone's eyes."  Of course, this was a good message for all of the kids to hear.  However, as the lecture when on, she stopped addressing the group and zeroed in on Ashagre.  Her eyes no longer addressed the group; they were fixed on our son, as if he was the worst (and only?) offender.

It took a minute for Brent to realize what was happening and yet another moment to deduce why it might be happening.  When it clicked, he was furious and unsure of what to do.  In the end, he did the most important thing.  He reassured Ashagre that he was ok.  When Ashagre looked to him with a puzzled look on his face, his dad let him know that it was ok and that he knew that he had not been throwing sand as he had promised.

But should he have done more?  Should he have confronted the woman?  Most likely she would not consider herself a racist.  I'm sure she isn't a racist in the most overt sense of the word.  I'm sure she would have been shocked to hear someone suggest that she had (unconsciously?) singled out the only black boy in the group for a large portion of her lecture.  How could the conversation been constructed so as not to put her on the defensive right away and possibly allow her a chance to safely reflect on her behavior?  By not starting that conversation, are we perpetuating the subtle yet prevalent racism that exists in our community, in our country, today?

Readers, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one.  I'm sure this won't be the last time we encounter this type of situation and we want to do what's best for our kids and the community they're growing up in.

You Can Take the Boy Out of Sidama

But you can't take the Sidama out of the boy.

Ashagre loves to garden.  He is deft with a hoe and will weed for hours.  He loves to water the plants with our little metal watering can.  He recognized the corn plants at the nursery and demanded that we buy and plant some.  He can't wait for his corn to grow big so he can eat it.  The other day he asked if his corn would be big when he woke up if he went to sleep.  When reading our E is for Ethiopia book (H is for House, a hut very much like the ones found throughout Sidama), we talk about his home in Sidama and the corn that grew near his hut.  Alone time for Ashagre is spent outside picking oranges, watering plants, watching the chickens, and gathering eggs.  If you are quiet, you can sneak a peek as he putters around the backyard; he is peaceful.

Ashagre's relatives and neighbors in Sidama were farmers.  I am so happy to be able to encourage this connection to his life back in Ethiopia.

Fun With Grandma Wendy

Grandma Wendy (Brent's mom) spent the last week with us enjoying the sunshine in Ventura.  We all really enjoyed having her here and wished that she lived closer.

Here's a few photos from her visit.

Grandma bought the kids kites and we learned how to
fly them yesterday at the park.

Making and eating LOTS of guacamole.

We also spent a lot of time at various parks, reading, playing memory, building with legos, and the kids, Grandma and Brent went to the zoo in Santa Barbara.  Thanks for the great week Grandma Wendy!  We hope to see you again soon!

Home 2 Months!

I can’t believe that Ashagre and Elsa have already been living with us in Ventura for two months.  In many ways it seems like there is no way that amount of time could have already passed and in others it feels like it has already been a lifetime.

The kids have the same little personalities we began to discover when we first met them during our court trip in November, but with so much more depth and unique character.

Elsa is the wild-child we thought she would be.  Like we expected, she definitely gives Ashagre a run for his money, both physically (she is much faster than him) and emotionally.  When they play together she calls the shots and can sometimes be quite bossy.  She is daring and generally fearless and definitely demands to be the center of attention most of the time.  She knows what she likes and doesn’t like and communicates it clearly.  She is a picky eater, but has been expanding her repertoire of acceptable foods pretty consistently since arriving in America.  Her favorites are macaroni and cheese with berbere, beans and rice, bananas, eggs, grapes, mangoes, and pancakes.  She is loud.  She LOVES music, and prefers to have it on at all times of the day so she can dance and sing along.  She's got moves and rhythm.  She especially loves Michael Franti, much to her Mommy’s delight.  She is generally a very fast-paced little girl (read: ball of energy) unless we are walking somewhere or eating.  Then she is the pokiest kid on the planet.  She is very bright and usually learns something the first time it is shown to her.  She can spell Elsa, Ashagre, Mommy, and Daddy.  She knows her alphabet and can count way beyond 20.  She even seemed to be grasping some simple addition the other day.  She knows all her colors and animals and is happy to help Ashagre if he is struggling with an activity involving numbers or colors that he doesn’t know as well as she does.

Ashagre is pretty much Elsa’s opposite in every way.  Like the little boy we met at Layla House, he likes to be on the periphery of things.  He will snuggle in his momma's lap on a Saturday morning for hours and just intently watch our lives unfold.  While definitely quieter than Elsa, he also can be quite loud, especially when he is feeling silly, which is often.  He cracks himself up regularly and loves slapstick-type comedy.  Tonight we watched an episode of Sesame Street where Grover was trying to get on a camel and kept falling off and he was just beside himself with giggles.  While all things language are more challenging for him, he seems particularly talented with all things visual-spatial.  He still loves to figure out how things work.  He will build things with legos for hours.  At first he demanded that we build things for him, but now he will disappear in his room and come out shyly, but proudly, with a completely symmetrical, aerodynamic airplane of his own creation.  He is a very talented drawer and colorer and adds lots of discernible detail to his drawings.  In a picture he drew of his baseball game there is a kid batting, kids on base, people sitting in the bleachers and a kid riding his scooter in the foreground.  Our epic battles over bath time are over and he now competes with his sister to be the first to take a bath, happily pouring cup after cup of water in his face.  He also loves playing in the waves at the ocean.  He is a talented egg sleuth that knows just when to look in a certain secret spot to find a large brown egg.  He is also stubborn and has a hard time being told what to do; however, he has some great self-regulating skills and will often reset his pouty mood with a short period of time if given some space.  Food-wise he will try anything and likes most of it.  He is a talented gardener, that obviously knew how to work a hoe long before he arrived in Ventura.  He can't wait for his corn to grow big so he can eat it.

On the more nuts and bolts front, here are some highlights of all the growth they've accomplished over the past two months:

• Language: Both kids, but especially Elsa, are primarily using English to communicate now.  They even speak in English when playing solely with one another.  Their vocabulary continues to expand daily.  Both kids have shown an amazing ability to really grasp the concept or inherent meaning of the words they know and use them in creative ways to express their needs and thoughts.  For example, Ashagre, will use the phrase, “Don’t touch,” to let us know that he needs some time to himself.  By saying, “Mommy Daddy don’t touch,” he can let us know that he needs a break and some time to process.  This phrase was originally taught to keep him safe, as in “Don’t touch the hot stove,” or to set boundaries, “Don’t touch Daddy’s computer.”  Elsa in particular really seems to have great comprehension and will often repeat back whatever you’ve just told her in her own words and then, once she’s confident she understands, explain it to Ashagre who usually has a tougher time putting it all together (he is on his third language, after all).

• Strength and Coordination: Both kids have shown leaps and bounds improvements in strength and coordination.  Among other things, I think evening after evening of coloring together before bed time as a family has greatly improved Elsa's fine motor skills and ability to stay in the lines.  Elsa is VERY strong and has impressive gross motor skills.  She can do the monkey bars and head stands by herself, she is very fast, and can climb ANYTHING.  She is also fearless and constantly leaves her Daddy gasping and reaching to stop a possible fall (which she never takes, unless she is on her scooter and distracted).  She loves to rocket herself off the big rubber ball on the trampoline and flip on her back (sounds dangerous, but she knows what she is doing and is quite precise).  Ashagre’s gross motor skills have greatly improved.  When he came home he had the smallest, most undefined little arms.  At the beach the other day, I noticed he actually has definition from little muscles now.  He can climb things, like the rock climbing section of the playground, that he couldn’t when he first came home.  In baseball, he is one of the only players on his team that can throw the ball all the way infield from the outfield.  Ashagre is fearless on his scooter preferring to go as fast as possible at all times.  He has always had good fine motor skills, which are particularly noticeable in his detailed artwork.

• Attachment: This is a tough one and my description would probably vary greatly depending on the day I typed this (and how confident I was feeling).  Both kids seem to be making progress attaching to us.  They definitely prefer us to strangers and look to us for support/protection in unfamiliar environments or around unfamiliar people.  They no longer get super anxious if we leave them with someone else (only their grandparents for short periods of time thus far), but definitely let us know that they would prefer we don’t leave them.  With that said, they will panic if they think I’ve disappeared somehow, and I have to be very careful to always tell them ahead of time if I am stepping outside to gather eggs, get the mail, or talk to the neighbor.  If I forget, even for a second, screaming and crying ensue.  Both kids show much more physical affection.  Ashagre still loves to snuggle and definitely needs physical contact regularly to feel safe and secure.  He also gives the best bear hugs at night before he goes to bed and first thing in the morning when he sees us and the sweetest kisses from time to time.  Elsa is and always has been less physically affectionate, but she does like to give out a kiss or two.  In the past, her kisses felt like she was trying to violate your personal space as much as possible (and I always imagined this is what it felt like to her to receive a kiss).  Now they are more affectionate and much less intense.  She has become much more interested in snuggling during down time and lets you rub her back from time to time.  Both kids are pretty good about making eye contact, unless they think they are in trouble for some reason, then it may take 45 minutes or so of playful persistence to get them even look at you, let alone look you in the eyes.

• Independence: This is another tough one and definitely related to attachment above.  It is especially tough for me as a pretty independent and largely introverted person myself.  While the kids do still require SO MUCH attention and energy, they have gained quite a bit of independence since coming home.  When they first arrived, they were literally physically attached to me or Brent every single moment they were awake.  They really didn’t seem to know how to play independently or with each other for even a few minutes and relied solely on us to devise, initiate, and maintain an active, playful day for them.  I remember thinking that if they could just go outside and play for 15 minutes it would be a miracle.  Now, they still require a lot of attention (likely an important thing for bonding), but can engage in and sustain independent play (with each other or by themselves) for pretty good stretches of time – at least long enough for me to do the dishes.  They are very comfortable at our house and will ask to go outside and play regularly, especially now that they've made friends with the dogs.

• Social Skills: This is an area that we can probably still do a lot of work in.  The kids are basically not interested in engaging with others, particularly friendly strangers or people they have just met.  Elsa is quicker to warm up to our adult friends if they make an effort to play with her, while Ashagre is more comfortable playing with peers.  The first response anyone gets when they say hello to either kid though is a loud, "NO," and refusal of eye contact.  In the next few weeks we will be starting to transition them to school, so it will be interesting to see how much they grow in this aspect of their lives over the next month.

So that's where things stand two months into this big experiment.  I can't wait to see how much they grow, learn, and accomplish in the next month or two.

Coranski Family Amharic

A fellow adoptive momma emailed me the other day and asked how much Amharic we knew when we traveled to meet the kids for the first time.  My answer, embarrassingly, was hardly any.  We had every intention of at least learning some key phrases before we landed in Addis Ababa for the first time, but the reality was life got pretty hectic during the final months of our adoption and we just didn't get to it.  We did learn to count to 10...

Ahnd, Hoolet, Sost, Arat, Amist, Sidist, Sebat, Cement, Zahtine, Asure (spelled phonetically to the best of my ability)...

...and say hello and thank you.  Other than that, we knew no Amharic when we met our kids for the first time.  Honestly, I don't think it mattered one bit.  Those first few days we spent with the kids were spent playing, coloring, just sitting together, and snuggling.  So much can be communicated non-verbally and sometimes, especially with young kids, words just make the situation more confusing.

For our second trip when we traveled to pick the kids up, our skills hadn't improved much.  We had learned a few words from Elsa:

Wuah		Water
Layla		Another/again
Shintabet		I have to go to the bathroom

And at least one from Ashagre:

Chamas

Shoes

And a few others while traveling throughout Sidama and Oromia.

While I won't say we wouldn't have been better off with a more solid foundation in Amharic once the kids were finally with us for good, we still got by alright.  The kids taught us a lot of Amharic really quickly, as did a few of the older kids that were staying at the guesthouse with us that could speak both English and Amharic.  Ashagre had only been speaking Amharic for 8 months or so, and I am pretty sure that he could only understand fairly simplistic sentences.  So, our family muddled together a language all our own - primarily one or two word sentences with English and Amharic combined - what we needed to make sure our basic needs were met.

The kids are learning English very quickly.  At this point, they seem to be using more English than Amharic in their day to day conversations, even with each other.  Their English vocabulary is growing daily.  Brent and I are amazed at how they will use a word that they've maybe heard only once or twice in a completely new (and still correct) context.  Yesterday Ashagre exclaimed, "Look! Awesome police car," when he spotted one in a parking lot.  I am pretty certain that he hasn't heard the word awesome to describe many things.  We mainly use it as praise, and not all that often.  Elsa is particularly savvy and really seems to comprehend (she'll rephrase and repeat back what we've told her) what we are saying to her.

So, before we all forget (said with a very heavy heart) I want to memorialize our family's shared Amharic during those first few weeks together:

Anchie/Ante		Hey you (said to a female/said to a male)  The kids' pet names for us over the first week.
Ay-o		Look (at me, at this)
Aye		No
Bakka		Enough, Knock it Off
Borsa		Bag/backpack
Buna		Coffee
Chamas		Shoes
Dabo		Bread
Doro		Chicken
Eh-saga		This/that way
Fallah		Horse
Feen-ya		Balloon
Geffahn		Push
Gobez		Good job
Heeden Netanya		Go to sleep
In-nay		Me, mine, I want
Kaka		Poop
Kalsies		Socks
Koffia		Hat
Koffitee		Open
Koi		Wait
Kolo		Popcorn/finger snacks (nuts, etc.)
Kupp-aya		Cup
Kwoss		Ball
Layla		Another, again
Mekina		Car, bus, truck, etc.
Mindenow		What, what is it?
Moose		Banana
Nah/Nay		Come (said to a male/said to a female)
Ow		Yes
Shint		Pee
Shintabet		I have to go to the bathroom
Soft		Toilet paper, napkin, paper towel
Umbi		I don’t want to (always said in a VERY whiny voice with a single shoulder shrug to the chin)
Woosha		Dog
Wu-ah		Water
Yellum		All gone

There were also a handful of English words that the kids already knew or learned very quickly that complemented the above list.

It's interesting to read through the list and see what's there and what's not. Most of the basics are covered, but we never learned how to say or hear "I'm hungry." Instead, we offered the kids food all the time and they let us know if they wanted something by naming what they wanted - usually a moose or dabo at first. Then there's the important things to a 5 and 6 year old - balloons, balls, horses, cars, motocyles, etc. Somehow or another, we were all able to get most of the important points across and now we're well on our way to real conversations.

[Disclaimer: we learned the large majority of the words above from our 6 year old daughter and our 5 year old son (who only recently learned Amharic himself). I have no idea how accurate the words, my attempt at phonetic spelling, or our implied meanings are. This is just meant to serve as a memorialization of the foundation of our communication together in the very early weeks as the Safranski/Corey family.]

Parent Badges? Check!

This post is ode to my amazing husband.

My amazing husband that only slept 2 hours last night because he spent the rest of the night with one of our kids at the hospital.  My amazing husband that, despite the fact that it was an un-human time to be awake, took the time to clean as much puke as he could out of the back of my car in the hospital parking lot in order to make it easier to clean up today.  My amazing husband that felt the warm wash of urine in his lap and just smiled at his sick kiddo and made sure they were comfortable and cared for.

Brent doesn't have a strong stomach.  Just talking about boogers at the dinner table can ruin an entire meal for him, even if he's really hungry.  He doesn't change diapers.  He never has and only will if the kid is his own (somehow we managed to adopt a 5 and a 6 year old and he escaped diaper duties again).

Brent was a daddy the day he admitted that Joshua Tree just wasn't the same experience without new, young eyes share it with and see it through.  Last night though, he earned his parent badge, for sure.

Oh, and if you were wondering, I think the my efforts to just keep one surface clear of puke long enough to clean up the next so our sick kiddo had a clean place to unload a week or so ago probably earned me my badge.  If not, the large patch of ringworm I have been sporting on my face should qualify me.

Burger Joint Commentary

Middle Aged African American Man: "He played baseball today?" (nodding toward Ashagre).

Me: "Yep, he had a game.  It was a bit chilly out there."

Middle aged African American Man: "Is that his name?" (nodding toward Safranski printed on the back of Ashagre's baseball uniform).

Me: "Yes, that's his last name."

Middle Aged African American Man: "Hmm."  "What's his first name?"

Me: "Ashagre."

Middle Aged African American Man: "Hmm."  (pleasant, yet not entirely convinced grin).

[End of Conversation]

The funny thing about this exchange was that Brent was commenting a few hours earlier that it was a bit funny to see a little black boy playing baseball with the name Safranski on his jersey.  Just a cute mix of cultures: an Ethiopian child with a Polish last name in a uniform for that primarily American sport, baseball, playing alongside mostly hispanic teammates.  But that's what the American dream is all about, right?

(Side note for those blog readers that don't know.  As if our family isn't confusing enough as is, I didn't take Brent's last name when we got married for a variety of reasons, one being that Dakota Safranski is a bit of a mouthful.  Now that the kids are here, I may change it (or I may not) once we finalize their re-adoption.)

I spoke with the man's wife for several minutes a little later.  She was very curious about the kids, but so respectful of them and warm as she asked her questions.  At the end of the conversation, she smiled a been-there-done-that smile and said, "There a lot of fun, huh?...and a lot of work."

Week in Photos

There are certain words, like photos, baca, and aye, that have become such a common part of my daily vocabulary that they don't even seem odd anymore.  I have several posts bouncing around in my brain, but I have to work tomorrow and shouldn't stay up too much later so, in the meantime, here's some photos from the past week.  The weather's been gorgeous and we've been spending quite a bit of time outside.

At the playground...

At the beach...

And putting in the garden...

Planting corn.

Gearing up to garden.  Pink chicken shoes.  Check.  Cup
of coffee.  Check.  Little boy clinging to a leg.   Check

Beans...

Tomatoes.

Mission accomplished...except for chicken fortification.

We'll see if two fences, lots of twine, some screws, and some bamboo
poles keep the girls at bay.