Many parents of children with traumatic pasts, or "kids from hard places" as the euphemism among circles of adoptive parents goes, believe steadfastly in the traumaversary. These parents, over time, have found annual patterns in their childrens' behavior that correspond with real past events in which their children were hurt deeply - the loss of their fist parents, abuse, near starvation, transition to life in an orphanage, sickness. Their little bodies and souls remember. Like clockwork, as the earth rotates to a certain position in the cosmos, they act out in response to the deep memories of their trauma. Year in and year out, as the anniversary of a particular child's trauma cycles back around again you read blog or facebook posts along the order of "May can suck it and be over already, " or "f%&k January."
I was a skeptic of the traumaversary; I also used to love fall in southern California. Now, deep into my second September/October (oh no, I just looked through old posts; it looks like it went well into November last year) as the parent of a certain kiddo who happened to have some pretty horrendous things happen to them in the fall, I am beginning to dread fall and put a little more weight in the traumaversary.
Last fall we were merely (barely) surviving. We didn't know what had hit us and we took drastic steps. I quit my job at the City in exchange for my current position. We jumped neck deep in to therapy. This year, it didn't sneak up on me. This year I suspected it was coming. Unfortunately, knowing it's coming doesn't make it any easier. Things are not good right now (except for when the are, which is more often than last fall). One kid is out of control. The rages, the anger, the manipulation are so intense that it saturates every molecule of our home. Homework seems to be the spark that lights the fire, but its not about the homework. The dogs cower and hide in corners, our other kid does more and more to please, I honestly worry that a well meaning neighbor will call child protection in response to all the screaming; the whole house feels like its holding its breath, afraid to exhale and relax and enjoy the new crisp, fresh air that surrounds it.
So f%&k September, and October can suck it and be over already. November I'm counting on you. Shorter in duration, less frequent, less intense - these are the real behavioral patterns we have to hang on to. November you have the opportunity to be the tangible reinforcement my positive thinking needs right now. You have the chance to redeem fall's place in my heart.
Sending healing thoughts your way. You're right, knowing it's coming doesn't make it any easier, but hopefully helps you remember this is a season and not forever.
ReplyDeleteLove them and yourself extra hard this season - even if it doesn't always look like love on the outside.
Elizabeth
I never thought the traumanniversary stuff would affect a baby. So wrong. We are heading into trauma season here in November. The last three Novembers have been utterly brutal. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletethinking of you and wanting to prepare ourselves as well.. Are you guys at a place that you can talk with your child about what is happening- the links to their feelings and past trauma? Are they able to recognize these links?
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, we are learning that this kiddo also likely has some language processing issues, so talking it out doesn't get us very far. With that said, when they are regulated, we talk. We try to keep things very simple and based in the present. When this happened, how did you feel. What if you would have done this instead? How would you have felt then? When this kid is struggling, cause and effect don't really compute all that well so I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I keep trying to help them connect choices to outcomes and choices/outcomes to feelings. Our kid's major trauma events occurred as a very young infant also, so I'm not certain they would be able to remember, recognize the links, and speak about them. With all that said, we do try to talk about the trauma in general from time to time (always when they're regulated) and how that might make them feel and act; I can't say those conversations have gone anywhere.
DeleteI am so sorry traumaversary is at your doors. We have some of it here too. October not a good month for my wee one. My therapist told me (in uncovering my own traumaversary) even when the mind "forgets" the body remembers and reacts in ways that go into survival mode in all kinds of behaviors. Be kind to yourself, being the witness to traumaversary can be just as hard on you as the person in the throes of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you S. Your words mean a lot. And, yes, the body has a much harder time forgetting, doesn't it?
DeleteOur traumaversaries all hit in fall and it SUCKS. We get one kid through and another is coming on their heels with their own issues.
ReplyDeleteSo while I'm holding my weeping/wailing/teethgnashing child I'll be thinking about you. And, let's be honest, wine. I'll absolutely be thinking about wine.
Yes, here we are in October, gearing up for November. Sleep is where it hits hardest. With you in spirit friend.
ReplyDeleteWe're in the thick of it right now. Last year's traumaversary was so traumatic that we're now in a "traumaversary of a traumaversary". Seriously. But even still, it's okay because with the passing of a year's traumaversary means that verbal and emotional skills have grown. So we're talking a lot about last year and how much that SUCKED. But I think that over time things are going to even out and become more manageable. I'm hopeful.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Did you ever read "High Tide in Tuscon" by Barbara Kingsolver? If I were trying to describe traumaversary to someone who didn't get it already I would use that book. If you're a hermit crab in Arizona you can feel the tide even though the ocean is a zillion miles away. It's like that.
ReplyDeleteI was skeptical about traumaversaries too. But these last 2 Augusts have been SOMEthing. I've realized that I need to mark it on my calendar to prepare for next year so that it doesn't take me by surprise and I wonder what in the world is going on.
ReplyDeleteI do think it is quite amazing how the body can remember and can trigger all kinds of reactions.
I second S above, be kind to yourself. You'll all make it through!
Hang in there. It is real and it rEALLY sucks.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm sorry that your family (and this child in particular) is in such a hard place right now. From reading your posts over the last few months though, you have the awareness and the tools and the deep-seated kindness to make it through this hard time in a stronger place. Maybe that is a light at the end of the tunnel?
ReplyDeleteSecondly, thank you for introducing this idea. While I had heard of a traumaversary, I hadn't connected it to my own child's situation. But, after reading your post and talking with my husband about it, there was suddenly a lightbulb moment. Oh! Wait a minute! January/February/March was horribly hard one year...was it another year? Why, yes it was...oh, and that year too... We had always seen our child's behavior as having cyclical patterns, but had attributed it to an extreme difficulty with transitions (and, indeed, big transitions have always triggered the Jan/Feb/Mar onslaught), so thank you, yet again, for putting your experience into words that resonate so well.
Take care,
Amy
*sigh* It's all so hard, isn't it? You are so wise to recognize and respond to behaviors in light of the knowledge you have. All of this is hard, hard work. It's worth it, obviously, but right now I'm giving fall the bird for you. Take care of yourself in the midst of it, okay? Sometimes I forget that piece myself....
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