The What-Ifs

The past few days I haven't had much time to think about the adoption because things have been so busy at work.  It's probably a good thing because I am finding that the What-Ifs seem to feel like creeping in when I do have time to think about it.  This is one of the tougher things about adoption - the What-Ifs.  There are just SO MANY unknowns that it is way to easy to start playing the What-If game in your head.

In the beginning, many of my thoughts revolved around the adoption process itself:
-What if something changes drastically in the Ethiopian adoption process and we can't complete our adoption?
-What if we aren't able to save the money we plan on saving in time?
-What if I misread the instructions on (pick a form) and our (pick a piece of paperwork) is delayed for months?

Once we got our referral and a few small pieces of information on Elsa and Ashegre the What-Ifs have revolved around the kids.  First, mostly Elsa, in part, due to her life story and, in part, due to the fact that we have so little information on her.  To this day, we still only have 3 pictures of her.  In two of them, she is showing very little emotion so it seemed hard to infer what she might be like.  That huge space of the unknown is the perfect breeding ground for the What-Ifs.

Now the What-Ifs almost completely revolve around Ashegre.  We have over 20 pictures of him, 3 videos, and bits and snipits of information from other adoptive parents that have met him.  In the majority of the pictures he looks quite serious, often worried, and sometimes downright unhappy (but always handsome).  We only have one or two pictures where he has a genuine smile on his face.  Naturally, I worry about him. 

All parents want their kids to be happy.  Brent and I have very realistic expectations that neither of our kids will be all smiles and giggles from day one or at any point in their lives, really.  No one should be expected to be happy all the time.  Furthermore, in their young lives they have experienced more loss than Brent and I ever have combined.  While I try to do it every single day, I cannot put myself in their completely in their shoes and truly understand what that must feel like. 

And so, the What-Ifs creep in.  What-If either of the kids is really unhappy here?  What-If they have attachment issues and a real hard time being part of a family?  What if we can't give them what they need to live out their childhoods in as carefree and happy a manner as possible?...

It's funny, as I type this post I am realizing how much I needed to type it.  The fact is, the What-Ifs are just that.  There's nothing to them, really.  It's worrying about things that might be problems (but might not be issues at all).  It's filling the unknown with worry.

As I type, little examples keep popping up in my head, proving to me that there is nothing substantial to worry about.  An adoptive parent just the other day told me, "my husband and I met Ashegre on our last trip - darling.  So happy and loving."  Another mom told me that he was pretty darn shy the first day they met him (you should see his stone face in the pictures and video from that day), but that he warmed up a lot as they got to know him and that he was such a sweet kid (and a cutie).  The pictures of him from the latter half of their trip are just gorgeous and even feature a couple of half-smiles.

Maybe the point of this post is there is no point.  No point to worrying about things that might not even be problems.  If I can learn this lesson as a result of this adoption I will have grown more than I could have ever imagined - maybe even before the kids come home.

6 days until we land in Ethiopia and start filling the unknown with the very beginnings of KNOWING.