This post is probably a bit premature as it will likely still be quite a while before our kiddos come home, but I have been wanting to write it for a while and figured it would be a good way to frame our adoption from the beginning so everyone is on the same page when the kids do finally arrive. Also, it is an issue that Brent and I are already dealing with in our interactions with others, and I know I would love some advice on how to express my feelings on the topic in a way that doesn't hurt well intentioned people's feelings.
Here we go.
A common reaction people have when we tell them that we are in the process of adopting a couple of kids from Ethiopia is some variation of, "Wow, they are so lucky. It such an amazing thing you are doing." While I am sure this comment is meant with only the best of intentions, it makes me a bit uncomfortable. Here's why. It really can have two meanings, depending on the perspective of the person hearing it.
The first meaning is truly as harmless as the comment was probably intended to be. If you take the comment to mean that the kids are really lucky because they will have Brent and me as parents and that the commenter believes that ANY kid, regardless of how they came into our family, would be lucky to have us as parents because they believe it is something we will be really good at, the comment truly is quite harmless and a bit of confidence booster for us (who are actually pretty scared to really become parents). From this perspective, we welcome any supportive comments we receive.
However, there is another meaning that could be derived from the same comment that might actually be pretty hard for our adopted kids to hear all the time. Unfortunately, I am certain that they will hear comments like, "You are so lucky..." quite often, so I wanted to try and bring this perspective to light ahead of time so we can all be aware of it and so Brent and I can start to develop the tools we need to help others become aware of it and help our kids cope with it. As an adopted child, they may take this comment to mean that they are lucky that they were adopted from Ethiopia (by the nature of this comment, a bad situation) and brought to America to live with Brent and me (by nature, the better alternative; hence they are lucky). In reality, our kids are far from lucky. I will let an adopted child explain it from her perspective (in the voice of her mother, who wrote the article the quote came from):
"In her blossoming English she would unhesitatingly respond, "Did you lose your first brother and sister? Did you grow up cold and hungry? Did you live two lives, in two different countries? No? Then you must be the lucky one." I've yet to see anyone disagree with her."
That fact of the matter is, our kids aren't lucky. The fact that they are available for adoption in the first place means that they have seen little luck in their lives. Coming to America is not a turn of events by which now their luck has finally come around and things are headed for the better. They are coming to a culture in which very few people will understand what they have gone through. They are coming to a country in which people that look like them are treated with both overt and covert racism on a daily basis. While Brent and I will do the best to provide all the love and support they will need, we will never be able to erase the fact that they have lost their birth parents, potentially siblings, their country of origin, their language, and multitudes of other core things. Just the mere fact that they have come to "live the good life" in America will be a constant reminder of all that they lost in Ethiopia. It could also be constant trigger of guilt for the millions of kids that didn't benefit from the same "luck" that they did and remained in Ethiopian orphanages. They may also live with a feeling that they should be grateful for all that has happened to them, when in reality they don't feel that way.
Adoption is funny that way. It turns common definitions on their heads. Which kid is luckier? The orphaned kid that is placed in an American home and given all the opportunities that come with it or the orphaned kid that stays in Ethiopia and retains his/her culture and sense of community? Who knows. Really neither of them are probably particularly lucky, which is why this well-intentioned comment is hard for me to respond to. Both of these kids' came upon some really bad luck early on in their lives that unfortunately they will carry with them in some degree their entire life. In the end, some older adopted kids feel quite lucky that their lives turned out the way they did, while others definitely do not. Maybe we should just remove the word luck from the equation and look for something different.
In the same vein, Brent and I are not saints for bringing these kids into our lives. We are not sacrificing ourselves to save a couple of poor orphans. We simply (and possibly selfishly?) made the decision to build our family through adoption (at least for now). We see it simply as there are kids out there in the world that don't have parents and we think we can be parents for them - a 2 + 2 = 4 sort of thing. It makes me uncomfortable when people try to elevate our actions to something greater than that, especially as I start to better understand adoption from the adopted child's perspective.
So, what do you think? Am I thinking too deeply about this? Do you have any suggestions on how I can politely tell a well-intentioned person that our kids really aren't lucky (in order to validate our kids' thoughts and feelings) and that Brent and I are no more special than any other parent that devotes their lives to the happiness and well being of their children?
Disclaimer: Brent has not read this post yet. While this is our adoption blog, he may have a slightly different perspective on this topic so please read this post as my thoughts more than ours. We have talked about this quite a bit, and we do seem to take a slightly different slant on it. Maybe I can get him to throw in his 2 cents too.
My feeling on the "lucky" aspect. You two are the most caring, most thought provoking, most fun, most loving , most unique, most...(need I go on) people I know. You are lucky to be adopting from ANY country. The children are "lucky" in that they get to experience you two. You two will wrap your love around your children. You two will see to it that they want for nothing. You two will have experiences with them that they never dreamed of.
ReplyDeleteNo, they weren't lucky that they were in orphanages in the first place. That is a terrible place to be. BUT, their luck will change with you two becoming their parents.
Sometimes I do think that you think too much Dakota. I say that with love. All I know is that you are bringing home my granchild(ren). I'm going to love them just as much as I love Talia. Just watch, I'll want to move by you guys next. lol (JK too expensive out there) Do I consider you guys lucky? You bet! You are going to have the experience of bringing up a child(ren). If that's not lucky, what is?
I would guess that most people who say those will be some lucky kids are referring to what great parents you and Brent will be. That doesn't change the fact that those kids might not feel so lucky given their start in life. I'm glad you put this post up because those of us who know you two would definitely consider your kids lucky no matter who they are, but it's your job as their parents to protect them and I can easily understand how a child in transition would not say they were lucky at all. But I'll bet you $5 that if you ask them when they are 25 they will say they were very lucky kids.
ReplyDeleteWhat about a response along these lines: "Given what they had to give up for us to adopt them, we consider ourselves grateful/thankful/happy to be a family rather than lucky."
And congratulations on the whole home study process moving forward. I'd say that great doctor/insurance coverage thing was pretty darn lucky!
Can't tell you the number of times Brenda and I heard that one. Never looked at it from that prospective. And you have a valid point. I would never say that Trent was lucky, but he was blessed to have been cared for by a very loving family in Gautemala while we were going through the process. We still think he's too young to be approached with the fact that he's adopted. And we are in touch with a family that has adopted his biological brother. We do plan on having them meet some day. We also plan on embrassing his heritage and assisting him in any way we can to stay connected to his culture.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read too much into their comments. I'm sure they mean the best and haven't put a lot of thought into what comes out of their mouths. Perpare yourself. You'll have strangers asking things like "Where did you get them?", "Are they yours?", and my all time favorite, "How much did they cost?".
As my Dad use to say "It's better to be thought a fool than open ones mouth and remove all doubt".