Permanence

Two kids, very close in age, from the same country, adopted and brought to live in America at the same time as part of the same family, but with two very different stories/histories, two very different personalities, and two very different takes on their current lives in America.

Our kids have been doing a lot of processing lately – big realizations about what this all means – why we’ve all been working so hard to make this family thing work.  

Permanence.  They’ve been internalizing it, trying it on for size, seeing how they look and feel when they carry it around with them.  One kid craves it.  He needs to be told daily that his new life is permanent that he won’t be going back to Ethiopia, to the guesthouse (his word for the orphanage) or to a family life that started out stable and loving but tragically fell apart around him.  

One kid fears it.  Her eyes grow even larger when she hears yet again that she is here to stay.  She gets quieter, withdraws from the group, sometimes works to push the strengthening family unit away, and sometimes clings desperately trying to get more of it.  


Last weekend I was lying in bed listening to the kids playing quietly (yes, quietly – we’ve finally found a very workable groove on the weekends before 8 am) in the room next door.  They were flipping through their photo albums of friends and special caretakers at their respective orphanages when Ashagre announced that he never had to go back to Ethiopia.  Mommy told him.  He didn’t have to go back even when he was big like Daddy, even if he got in lots and lots of trouble.  Elsa didn’t believe him.  She was going back.  Back to Lockitch, to Fasika, to Bantchu Marie, to Ayob, to Melkem, to Bantu, to Askalu…back to all her friends and loving caretakers, back to life as she knew it until we showed up on the scene.  As always, Ashagre was quick to negate her, “Noooooo, No! Mommy told me.  No Ethiopia.  Stay here, no go back.”

Unlike most of their conversations in which Ashagre decides to tell Elsa she has no idea what she’s talking about (even though she’s often right), he didn’t push it.  They agreed to let it go.  He was staying and she was going back – so be it.

As hard as it is not to take it personally, I too choose not to push it.  Processing is just that.  Trying on different scenarios, feelings, ideas.  Mulling them around a bit.  Redefining yourself and the world around you.  It’s not easy.  Sometimes it hurts.  The most important thing I can do is create a safe and supportive place for that processing to occur – to give Ashagre the reassurance he needs that the tumultuous past three years of his life are over and that he is safe to relax and enjoy a new stable normal, and to give Elsa the love, support and understanding she needs to grieve her huge losses, accept our family’s love, and learn to feel comfortable and safe in her new life.

4th of July Weekend - Updated

When I sat down to put this post together, I honestly couldn't remember what we did at the start of the long weekend.  I had to look through our pictures to remind myself.   Yes, things have been pretty non-stop around here for a few weeks.

Here it is: the 4th of July Weekend in pictures.

On Saturday we spent the day as a family in Santa Barbara.  The main attraction was the awesome butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum.  The kids' school has an insect theme for the summer, so they are particularly interested in butterflies, caterpillars, and ladybugs these days.  After the butterflies, the kids really got into the exhibits too.  It was a little too much taxidermy for me, but a cool interactive learning experience for them.

It's usually a battle to take Ashagre's picture.  On this occasion, he
chose the location and the pose and requested the picture.

Introducing...Elsa's new sunglasses!  Her old ones are still with us, but
seem to be in a state of multiple pieces more often than is practical so
she picked out this new glamorous pair on Saturday.

You can't live in southern California and not visit the beach on a long weekend.  Unfortunately, we only packed snacks and not a lunch and everyone seemed to get hungry just as the sun finally burned through the coastal fog.  It was still plenty warm to play in the waves though.  Ashagre took them on like they were his personal enemy; kicking them as the rolled in and venturing further and further out to prove they couldn't knock him down (and that he was as brave as the bigger boys playing near us).  The waves pushed him around a bit and reminded him that the ocean is a pretty powerful force, but I think he left feeling pretty triumphant.  Elsa ran into a classmate and had her own moment of triumph when she battled her fear of interaction (picture her turning her back and refusing to acknowledge her friend's approach and friendly greeting) by first parallel playing in the waves near her school friend (with lots of encouragement and support from mommy and daddy) and finally running off to build sand castles with her.

In the afternoon, after our customary post-beach burger I managed to get the kids in the bath, oiled up and in front of the computer for a little down time and a good thorough hair detangling.  Brent got a few hours with the waves, his surfboard, and his bros.

On Monday it was all about the barbecue.  We started out at our place with some of our friends from our days on Catalina Island - Uncle Mikey (or Micky as the kids like to call him), Ron and JJ.  We then moved on to a friend's house on the hill above ours for a better view of the fireworks below.  By 10, when the fireworks were over and we said our goodbyes we had some pretty pooped kiddos on our hands.

Burning some energy and cooling off with the sprinkler under the trampoline.

Things got really fun when Brent mounted the sprinkler over the
trampoline like a big shower, but it was too hard to get a picture of the chaos.

Shucking corn for dinner.

Elsa may have a little crush on Uncle Micky - he's pretty
irresistible.

Ice cream to top off yet another amazing meal orchestrated
by Brent.

There are more pictures from the second barbecue and the fireworks show, but JJ took them and I'll have to wait to get them from her before I put them up.  She just kicked off an epic, west coast National Park road trip, so be patient.

Update: Here are JJ's pictures from the second barbecue.  Thanks JJ!

Wordless

Crazytown

Our Perfect Space has been a little less perfect and a little more crazy that I would have liked it to be these past few weeks.  From swim lessons to doctor's appointments to trips to the beach to play dates to BBQs to school field trips and beyond we've been going, going, going.  It's starting to take its toll on all of us.

Some things I am learning to let go of.  Like the fact that our house was, in no way, cleaned properly for our long awaited out of town guests last night (sorry Marty!).  It just wasn't going to happen and it didn't.  Like the fact that the time between the kids' baths has stretched a bit from the original every other day routine - they get cleaned off in a pool, right?

Some of the things we can't let slide so easily though.  Like the fact that one of our kiddos isn't holding up so well, is showing regressive behaviors that we hadn't seen in a while, is telling us in pretty much any way they can think of (besides a major, hours long meltdown - but I'm sure that's coming) that we need to slow down and work on the basics again.  Sometimes all the fun you can pack into a summer isn't all that fun for everyone after all, especially when they're still working on a huge transition and some pretty big thoughts and feelings about it all.

One more swim lesson tonight and a necessary meet 'n greet playdate with Ashagre's potential new babysitter tomorrow and that's it.  I'm officially not making any plans for a little while.  I'm going to intentionally focus on the little things - smiling often, warm eye contact, lots of hugs and snuggles, a soft and loving voice, praise and appreciation, and as much patience as I can muster.

Keeping a space Perfect isn't always easy.

Cookie Chips

I love baking with the kids.  Yes, it's messy and yes, it requires a lot of coordination and patience, but they love it and its a lot of fun.  I think I can't help but remember how much I liked to bake things with my mom when I was the kids' age and get a lot of joy out of creating that for my kiddos now.

A great child management technique: one kid does
the dry ingredients while the other preps the wet.

Dry.

Wet.  Notice the tongue-assisted concentration.

The mixer has yet to cease eliciting squeals of delight.

She's still concentrating.

Mom, put the camera down and help me.

The cookies (oatmeal chocolate chip) actually didn't turn out that well.  In my efforts to keep the ratios of ingredients relatively right (No, Ashagre, use the measuring cup before putting the flour in the bowl.) I forgot that we were a little short on oatmeal and that the comments on the online recipe recommended adding more oatmeal or flour because the cookies tended to spread out too much in the oven.  I intended to compensate with more flour but forgot.  So, some of the cookies are thin crisps because I baked them until they held together and some of them are sticky blobs because I took them out sooner in hopes they would be more chewy.  Oh, well, they taste good and we had fun.

By the way, the title of this post comes from Elsa.  When asked what kind of cookies she would be making today she informed the inquirer "cookie chips."

No. 1 and No. 2

This year, after 31 years of ordering tea (or hot chocolate in high school) instead, I have become a coffee drinker.  A daily coffee drinker.

Reason number one and two (in no particular order):

I didn't hurt that I got broken in on Ethiopian buna either.

Totally That Mom

...that didn't hear the head swim instructor ask parents to sit back on the fringes so as not to distract their kids' lessons.  That mom that followed her kids around the pool, ignoring the instructor's annoyed looks, trying to capture their first swim lesson.  That mom that only felt mildly bad about her behavior when her husband pointed out that all the other parents seemed to be listening to the rules and following them.

Elsa was a rock star.  She had no problem walking off hand in hand with her instructor, listening, and working hard to learn how to swim - all with a huge smile on her face.  Ashagre was a little more apprehensive at first and totally all over the place until his instructor took him to the other end of the pool, as far away from mom and dad as possible.  He relaxed in the end and also seemed to have a good time.

Lesson number is two tomorrow.  I won't bring the camera.