Sporty Spice(s)

Prior to becoming Elsa and Ashagre's mommy, when I would daydream about our future family the pictures conjured up in my head rarely (if ever) involved sitting in the bleachers cheering for my kids at a baseball game, tennis match, or swim meet. You see, growing up I did not come from a sporty family. We were active - we swam and hiked and rode bikes and skied and snowboarded regularly - but we were not "sporty." Yes, I did play basketball for a few years and my little brother played a couple of years of little league and football, but traditional competitive team sports were never a central part of our family fabric. By the time I was eleven years old I had already learned how competitive athletics worked in our small north Idaho community. Teams were stacked based on young talent and parental influence. I wasn't a bad basketball player. I actually showed some natural talent that could have benefited from supportive development; however, for two years I was, by default, placed on the loosing team - you know, the team that NEVER won one game - because my parents were not involved in the political undercurrent of small town Parks and Rec sports. Before I reached middle school I had already become a team sports dropout. My brother followed in a similar pattern.

High school was worse. It was straight out of Hollywood, jocks vs. everyone else, with everyone else receiving a blatantly disproportionately smaller piece of the school's focus, praise and resources than the jocks. I'm not making this up. 

True story: my high school boyfriend spent his first three years of high school living the dream of the star basketball player and long jumper. He wasn't a bad wrestler either. When, in his junior year, he decided that that scene was his dad's dream, not his own, and grew a nice set of dreadlocks, bought a Volkswagen bus, and started dating this wholesome hippie chick, our principal's relationship with him went from buddy-buddy admiration to downright hostility. I still remember the day that we chose not to attend a "mandatory" pep rally (way to conjure up school spirit - make it mandatory) and, instead, sit in the commons and study for a test we had in the next period (another tactic to cram school spirit down student's throats - make sure they must attend one more class after the pep rally before school lets out so they don't just skip out and go home). Our principal, after harassing my boyfriend for several minutes, picked him up by his shirt and shoved him against a set of lockers. He got in his face claiming, "Of anyone, you should know the importance of a pep rally." What about the importance of your education, Mr. Principal?

True story: the same principal that shoved my dreaded boyfriend into a locker for studying for a test instead of attending a pep rally forgot to attend the annual honors awards ceremony (you know, to honor his school's top scholars) because he was, instead, at a run-of-the-mill (not a tournament) sporting event.

You get the picture.

[Full disclosure - in high school I was a successful competitive snowboarder. Beyond my parents and some close friends, no one cared but me. I lived to snowboard. The school had nothing to do with my success, and in fact, lost tax dollars on the days I skipped school to ride fresh pow (I also had a 4.0 grade point average so my parents were supportive of me missing a day or two of school to ride)].

Fast forward far, far, beyond high school (can we get off that topic any faster?) to the present. I am a mom of two naturally coordinated kids that, literally, need regular sports in their lives.  

As most of you know by now, Ashagre joined his first baseball team within two months of moving to America. Without understanding the language, he picked up the game quickly and became a consistent player. Elsa was overwhelmed at first, but practiced right along with Ashagre and became a solid baseball player herself. Since the first baseball season ended, the kids have been enthusiastically enrolled in regular gymnastics, soccer, and swimming programs. They recently wrapped up their second baseball season and are now on to tennis. Through sports they have gained social skills, enhanced their natural strength and coordination, and increased their confidence dramatically. Sports give them the routine they crave, an outlet for their boundless energy, the chance to excel, and the opportunity to step outside of some of their insecurities and anxiety and concentrate on mastering the power and agility of their mighty little bodies.

Ashagre has morphed from a kid that was so humiliated by failure that he refused (completely shut down in a teary trance) to try something unless he knew he could get it right the first time to a kid that often volunteers to be the first to try a new activity. Ashagre gets over the initial learning curve of a new sport extremely quickly, and once he's passed over that hump, there's no holding him back. He has incredible focus when playing sports and quickly identifies, studies, and emulates the best athletes on the field. Just this weekend he learned how to make a basket in a standard height hoop. He shot baskets for hours following the first taste of success when his ball skimmed off the rim. A few months ago he couldn't even get the ball halfway up to the hoop. Yesterday his swim instructor told him she would likely be promoting him to the next level after just one more lesson (the second in the new season).

Elsa has always been ridiculously coordinated and fearless, making her a natural athlete. Sports are teaching her how to slow down, listen to, and learn from other adults. Sports require her to step into a place of calm focus in order to be successful. They are teaching her how to be a good sport and what it means to put her team before herself. (And how to fearlessly catapult her flipping body off many a large object, regardless of whether or not mommy or daddy are ready to catch her or not).

This past baseball season was, literally, sublime. Sitting on the bleachers in they back of a beautiful arroyo under filtered spring sunshine cheering on the kids with the other team parents was one of my favorite places to be. I purposely worked through lunch so I could catch their weekday games. Ashagre's trademark happy dance when he made it to first base after a good hit and Elsa's batting antics couldn't be missed. The kids had a great season. Their skills improved immensely from the beginning to the end. They went from pretty much only being focussed on hitting to understanding the finer points of fielding and taking even more pride in making an out or an assist in a double play than a decent hit. Ashagre still beams when we brag that he made the last out of the season. Who knew that supporting and cheering on your kids at their games could be so satisfying - the once mysterious world of the team mom has revealed itself to me, and I enjoy it.

Ashagre was hitting the first pitch thrown each time he was 

at bat on this day. I never got my camera on early enough.

Today was the first day of tennis lessons. They LOVED it! Of course, it was made all that much better by the fact that I got them "tennis clothes" to play in. Elsa and Ashagre are all about the outfits that accompany each sport they play. In fact, during his first baseball season, Asahgre wouldn't participate in many practices because he didn't get to wear his uniform.

My beautiful sporty kids.

It's That Time of Year Again - Join Our Team and Sponsor a HIV+ Child in Ethiopia!

E's favorite actor is Jackie Chan. His favorite animals are dogs, and he loves to eat hamburgers. He loves to play soccer and dance while listening to Michael Jackson. He used to want to be famous when he grew up, but now he just wants to play professional soccer.

E is a child in Ethiopia living with HIV.

Last year I organized my first cooperative group to sponsor a HIV positive child through AHOPE for Children. Ten friends from all over the country joined our team, each pitching in $42 (that's $42 one time, not $42 a month) to support E. Our combined funds helped E attend school, receive the medicine that helps him thrive, and eat nutritious food.

Since E lives at AHOPE he is also benefiting from programs designed to one day help him transition from life in the orphanage to life as a productive citizen of Ethiopia. He lives in a community that is working to break down stereotypes and stigmas about what it means to be HIV+ in Ethiopia.  AHOPE has developed a Child Development Center that both benefits the local community, and also gives people the opportunity to work and play next to HIV+ kids, thereby learning that they really are just kids living with a very manageable disease (and preparing to live out their dreams of being the next big soccer star).

Not convinced yet?  Here's a little more information about AHOPE for Children from my blog post requesting people to join our team last year:

Why sponsor a child at AHOPE?  While the number of children in AHOPE's orphanages fluctuates, they operate at or near capacity at all times.  AHOPE does more than just care for HIV+ orphans though.  Through its Child Development Center it also supports 105 HIV+ children that are still living with their families.  This sort of support keeps families together.  Kids stay out of orphanages altogether.  Twenty-five additional children are provided full education sponsorships.  There is still quite a stigma associated with HIV in Ethiopia, so AHOPE started "stigma" programs that foster friendships between HIV+ children and their HIV- peers.  Finally, and this is the big one for me, AHOPE has developed a Youth Development Program to help orphaned HIV+ children that "age out" of the orphanage system transition to healthy and productive lives in Ethiopia.  Adoption WILL NOT alleviate the hard realities that have resulted in millions of orphans in Ethiopia.  Many orphaned children will need the skills necessary to become happy productive members of their communities.  Programs like AHOPE's Youth Transition Home are working to make this happen and stand as an example for others to follow. Want to learn more about AHOPE? Check out their new website by clicking on the logo below.

$42. One time for the  entire year.  You'll get periodic updates on E (he's quite handsome), but more importantly, you'll get to go to bed at night knowing that you're sending the message to an orphaned boy in Ethiopia that he matters and that he can accomplish his dreams.




Postscript: From what I can tell right now, E's team is about 70% full. I would really like to start an entirely new team this year on top of the one currently sponsoring E. I estimate that means we need 10 to 15 new team members.  That's not many; from the stats on this blog its only 1/10 of the readers on days when I actually post something. A couple of members currently on E's team have already mentioned that they would join a second team if I could get another one organized, so that number might even be less. What are you waiting for? Join our team!

(Absorbant) Shorts

Tonight at Dinner


Elsa: Mom why you not like the soup?

Mommy: I do like the soup. I just don't LOVE the soup as much as you guys. I don't want to marry it.

Elsa & Ashagre: (hysterical laughter)

Ashagre: Yes mom. You should marry the soup. Why did you marry dad?

Mommy: Because I love him VERY much and I wanted to live with him forever...and I need someone to change my diapers for me when I'm old.

Daddy: They'll be the first diapers I've ever changed.

Elsa & Ashagre: What! No you just joking. You not baby. You no wear diapers! Mommy just joking.

Mommy: Nope, I'm not joking. Sometimes when people get really old they have to wear diapers because they have a hard time getting to the toilet in time. Someone's got to help change them. But you know, boys usually go downhill before girls so I'll probably be changing your daddy's diapers.

Elsa & Ashagre: (more hysterical laughter) No! You just joking! No!

Mommy: OR...you guys can change our diapers. You'll take care of us when we're old and can't make it to the toilet on time right?

Ashagre: No! Diapers are for babies. You not babies. You just joking!

Mommy and Daddy: Nope, we're serious.

Daddy: Or you guys could work really hard in school and get a good job that pays good money and you could hire someone to change our diapers for you.

Ashagre & Elsa: (starting to believe us a little bit) No!

When dinner was finished Elsa and I ran to the pharmacy to pick up some medication. When she got back, besides the M&M's she talked me into getting, she had something to share with her brother. At the pharmacy she saw them - man diapers and lady diapers!

(Hysterical laughter all around).

Yep, things are pretty heavy around here these days. We're really processing the hard stuff right now (like the fact that Elsa and Ashagre might be stuck with us long enough that they have to change our diapers).

The kids have transitioned into their first week of summer camp quite smoothly. We had 2 to 3 rough days, but now they're making friends, learning new games, perfecting their rock climbing skills, building motorized lego cars, and swimming like fish.

Summertime...and the livin' is easy....

Daddy You're Divine: An Interview with Ashagre & Elsa June 2012

What do you love most about Daddy?
Ashagre: That he plays legos with me.
Elsa: That he tickles me and plays with me.

What is your favorite thing to do with Daddy?
Ashagre: Play in the street on scooters and bikes.
Elsa: Jumping high on the trampoline with Daddy.

What do you do that makes Daddy happy?
Ashagre: Make jokes that make Daddy laugh.
Elsa: Make cards for him.

What does Daddy do that lets you know he loves you?
Ashagre: I love my dad!
Elsa: When he rides bikes with me and my family. I love you!

What do you want other people to know about your daddy?
Ashagre: My dad is a fast runner.
Elsa: My daddy built a chicken coop for the girl chickens at our new house.

What does your daddy do to keep himself happy?
Ashagre: He cooks food for our family.
Elsa: Play with me and Ashagre.

What is your favorite memory of Daddy?
Ashagre: Riding the roller coasters at Legoland with my dad (and Elsa and Mommy).
Elsa: Going skating and mini golfing with Daddy (and Ashagre and Mommy).

Is there anything else you would like to say?
Ashagre: I like my family!
Elsa: I like when my dad pushed us on our cars at the old house.

Brent is an amazing dad. Parenting with him this past year or so has been beyond inspiring. I truly feel like we've grown even closer since we became parents.  Our parenting styles really compliment each other and I know he's always got my back. Parenting is not a one woman show around this house by any sense of the imagination. Brent has cut his hours back at work to spend the afternoons with the kids after school. He drives for fieldtrips, takes them to the library and swim lessons, throws the baseball around with them and helps them perfect their swing. He stays home with them when they're sick. He rides bikes and builds legos and jumps on the trampoline and listens intently as they read to him. He makes sure they never miss a school skate night and isn't afraid to let loose and try his hardest to be the fastest rollerskating dad at their school (he's currently the second fastest, but he's determined).  He keeps things fun and silly, lightening the energy when I get too hung up on getting something done. He's tender and loving and patient. Basically, he's an all around great dad.

Happy Father's Day Brent! We love you!

(Postscript: The idea for this post was borrowed from Rage Against the Minivan, but the thoughts and words are 100% authentic. The kids even picked out the pictures for the post.)

Promoted

Tonight the kids said goodbye to kindergarten and first grade. They ceremoniously walked on stage after their name was called, hugged their teachers, and passed through the white arch as newly promoted first and second graders. In all honesty, the promotion ceremony, while sweet, didn't move me anything near as much as Elsa's kindergarten graduation last year. Both Brent and I had had pretty rough days at work and were just happy to be able to sit in the grass with the sinking sun warming our faces, releasing the stresses of the day and cheering enthusiastically during our kid's five seconds on the stage.

After putting the kids to bed I casually picked up Ashagre's end of the year progress report and starting reading.

"Ashagre is an excellent listener for others!"

"Ashagre knows the names of the days of the week in English, Spanish, French, and German," (I bet, with a little reminder, they could add Amharic and Sidaminga to that list).

"Ashagre worked together cooperatively with his group to complete the group project. His Habitat books were thorough and informative. I hope he learned as much about his Habitat (the ocean) and the blue whale as I did!"

"What a treat it has been to watch Ashagre blossom this year! He has made tremendous growth academically, socially, and emotionally this semester. Ashagre is a loving boy who wants to please and is eager to learn. He has made many friends at school and is quickly learning the culture of America as well as that of VCS. He is always willing to help others and shows empathy for others. Ashagre comes to school ready to learn and have fun with his friends. I am extremely proud of Ashagre's growth. I know he will continue to make many strides in first grade as well. I will miss Ashagre!"

Of the 38 criteria Ashagre was graded on, he either already had the highest mark or made improvement from the first semester to the second on 36 of them. He has learned so much over the past school year. He went from not being able to recognize all of his letters to knowing all of their sounds and starting to read simple words. He has morphed from a timid little boy (arguably the shyest in class) to a confident friend that is excited to participate in whatever his teacher throws at him next and loves to be wherever the action is.

Two years ago: the little boy that delighted in the opportunity to look
at books (even if he didn't know he was looking at them upside down).

The (much larger) little boy that still loves books and is now starting to read -
posing next to his ocean habitat during the last week of school.

From Elsa's progress report:

"She continues to love books and she's developed many skills so that she may read them independently."

"Elsa is a confident speaker, always taking a turn at magic circle and doing presentations."

"Elsa worked cooperatively in the pond group to complete the project. She was very enthusiastic about her animal, the duck, and built connections to her research and ducks she sees in the real world. Elsa was an enthusiastic presenter who stayed on-topic as she shared her zoo exhibit with the community."

"She continued to love helping and leading."

On the way to school this morning Elsa announced that she would be tying her own shoes today (I hadn't had a chance to do it before we had to get out the door). Ashagre cheered her on with a ready, set, go! and she did it on the first try. The second one was even easier.

Elsa with her baby duck and her group's pond habitat.

Tonight my pride for my kids is palpable. It's nights like these I allow myself to indulge, just for a moment, in the sheer magnitude of what they've been able to accomplish in little over a year. As I've mentioned before, I feel strongly that I don't want my kids' early traumas to solely define them. On the flipside though, I hope they can one day appreciate how brave, strong, smart, adaptable and purely amazing they really are. In just one year in the American school system, they have not only learned to communicate in a new language, read, write, and do basic math pretty much at grade level, but they've assumed many of the nuances of a culture far different from that of their birth country. They've learned to cooperate and interact in a school that purposely teaches non-violent communication and other social-emotional skills after surviving life in institutions where fists, pushiness, and manipulation reign supreme. They've conquered paralyzing fears.  They're learning what it means to be part of a family after loosing their first families. They're learning to walk and speak with confidence, try even when they might fail the first few times, and trust in their innate abilities to accomplish anything the set their mind to. If someone told me someday that they'd learned to fly, I don't think I'd be all that surprised.

Mom

Earlier today, my friend Kimberly wrote on her blog after a fairly long break from blogging: “More and more we are becoming a family with kids just like any other family with kids, which means this blog will be boring to anyone other than grandparents, relatives, and close friends.” She put into words exactly what I've been feeling as I've tried to get back into the regular habit of updating the Perfect Space. The last month, despite the chaos associated with the fact that we bought a house and moved, has been so smooth. Although it still feels a little unreal, I am starting to feel like I'm part of that family I envisioned when Brent and I first committed to adopting two kids under the age of eight nearly two years ago. I have no doubt that there won't be struggles ahead (the transition from school to summer break looms), but, for now and for the past several weeks, we've truly just existed as the Coranskis - a family with a Mommy, Daddy, Elsa, Ashagre, Buster, Lola and 9 girl chickens (as the kids refer to them).


This weekend Brent went on a camping trip with the boys while I stayed home with the kids. There were weeks not all that long ago, that the mere thought of parenting solo for three days would have instantly upped my personal stress level significantly. This weekend I actually looked forward to it. I made the decision to make it a weekend all about the kids. With the recent move, we have been asking them to entertain themselves quite a bit lately. Weekends and afternoons after school, rather than being dedicated to fun family activities, have been spent dismantling and re-building chicken coops, cleaning, and unpacking boxes while the kids play two-square (a full blown obsession among children at our kids' school right now) or ride their scooters in the driveway. In general, the kids have been great sports about the whole process, and rather than self-destructing into patterns of bad behavior in order to eliminate the anxiety they are feeling about not having our attention 100% of the time, they seem to be quite comfortable with their place in our hearts right now and have handled the whole move with a lot of maturity and flexibility. So, this weekend I pushed my own anxiety regarding the disorderly state of our home aside and spent Saturday at the park with the kids while they enjoyed a birthday party. On Sunday we went on an 8 mile bike ride (yes, Elsa pedaled her tiny little bike with a tiny little crank 8 miles) along the ocean, and after the bike ride we caught the new Madagascar movie. All three of us had a great time just enjoying the weekend and each other.

Saturday night while enjoying having our quiet new house all to myself after tucking the kids in bed, I had a realization. I'm not exactly sure when the transformation occurred, but I finally really enjoy being a mom. Now, please don't take this the wrong way. I've wanted to be Elsa and Ashagre's mom from the start, and I've been one hundred percent dedicated since the beginning, but going from no kids to two, a five year old and a six year old, overnight isn't something that you can fully internalize immediately (at least I couldn't). Over the past year I've beat myself up quite a bit over the fact that I didn't feel instantly like the mom I had envisioned myself to be. Internally there was a battle of sorts going on; the independent, career driven, selfish Dakota wasn't completely convinced she wanted to succumb to the title of mom, a title that felt embedded with obligations, sub-par work performance, and very little sense of self. I wrestled with it quite a bit; I've done some grieving and redefining and, finally, I'm proud to carry the title Mom and all that it entails.

Name That Kid

Prologue: This post may come off as kind of tongue-in-cheek, or worse off, disrespectful of our son or the importance of names and naming, but it is absolutely not written with any such intentions. It's an honest request for new ideas. Please interpret it as such.

Ashagre and Elsa came home on IR-3 visas, which, technically, means that we physically saw them prior to their adoption and that a full and final adoption was completed in Ethiopia prior to them flying to the United States. As a result, when our plane touched down in Los Angeles, the kids were instantly U.S. citizens. Without any effort on my part their social security cards and certificates of citizenship arrived in the mail a few weeks after we were all home as a new family of four. The adoption was complete - except for one thing. Except for re-adoption.

Re-adoption occurs in the United States and allows you to get a U.S. birth certificate for your kids. It is a means of documenting the parent-child relationship under U.S. law. It is not required with an IR-3 visa, but highly recommended by adoption agencies. Their are stories out there of college-aged kids having huge difficulties when they tried to leave the country for the first time, say for a study-abroad program or some such adventure, because they hadn't been re-adopted in the U.S.

We've had every intention to re-adopt our kids, yet nearly a year and a half later, it has yet to happen. I have the paperwork; I think I understand the process and know how to do it without paying a lawyer to help us, but one little thing keeps hanging us up, stopping us from even taking the first step - Ashagre's middle name.

You see, per Ethiopian naming traditions in which a child is given their father's first name as their middle name, on paper, both of our kids have Brent as a middle name as a result of the adoption process in Ethiopia. Re-adoption is our chance to change this. We have always intended to give both kids new middle names; however, we cannot come up with something we like for Ashagre. Elsa was easy. She's getting my middle name, Renee. Its a beautiful name, Elsa Renee Safranski and a nice way to claim her and pass along a part of our family's history while respecting her Ethiopian heritage by keeping her Ethiopian first name. (Recently she asked us what her middle name was and we explained that, technically it was Brent, but that we were going to change it to Renee like mommy and she was ecstatic).

We would like to similarly give Ashagre a middle name; however, finding a family name to sandwich between Ashagre and Safranski has proven to be challenging. In fact, finding any name to sandwich between Ashagre and Safranski has been quite challenging.

Let me explain:

• My brother's name is Shea. Ashagre Shea Safranski is a bit of a mouthful, but doesn't sound too bad. The initials, on the other hand, leave something to be desired. A.S.S.
• My dad's name is Lyle. Ashagre Lyle Safranski sounds ok too; however, we were sort of hoping for a middle name that he could go by as his first name if he wanted to someday (not that we hope he does; we love the name Ashagre), and Lyle just seems a bit old-fashioned (which, by the way, my dad is not, in any sense of the word).
• My grandfather's names were Elmer and Bill. Nope.
• My last name is Corey (hence us often referring to our family as the Coranski's), but I don't particularly love the sound of Ashagre Corey Safranski.
• Brent's dad's name is Mark. Ashagre Marcus Safranski (Ashagre Mark Safranski could work too) is one name we haven't entirely ruled out; however, then Ashagre does not get a name from my side of the family.
• Brent's grandfather's names were Richard (Brent's middle name) - too much of a mouthful - and Harvey. Nope again.
• Brent really liked the sound of Ashagre James Safranski. While it is not a family name, we were considering it until I looked up the meaning of James (the supplanter; one who wrongfully or illegally seizes and holds the place of another). I don't think we could have come up with a more inappropriate meaning if we had been searching.
• Another option would be to keep Ashagre's original Ethiopian middle name, his birthfather's first name. Without sharing much, I feel comfortable saying that Ashagre knows and very much loves his birthfather. My fear with this one is that Ashagre might someday question his place in our family if he was not given a family name or even a name from Brent and me when Elsa was. Adoption can leave people with pervasive insecurities about their place in the world and in their families, and I don't want to inadvertently play into any of this with Ashagre. On the flipside, I don't want to trivialize the importance of Ashagre's birthfather. This opens up the option of two middle names - that of his birthfather and one that we choose for him.

As you can see, we've given this some thought. We just haven't been able to come up with a solution that we really feel great about. I've considered asking Ashagre, especially regarding his birthfather's name, but worry that it might be too much for him to handle. I don't want to put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between his Ethiopian family and ours in any way.  Even though we would not interpret any choice he made in this way, I could see how he might feel uncomfortable having to choose.

So, in a last ditch effort to discover the grand solution I'm throwing it out to all of you, faithful blog readers (who are getting more and more faithful as the days between posts stretch longer and longer). Do you have any ideas? At this point, any good name is a possibility, or, if you really like one of the options explored above let us know. Don't worry, we won't let the internet name our kid; we may not use any suggestions that result from this blog post, but we also know there are many of you out there that might just have an idea that we haven't come up with. Here's a bit more information that may help you come up with the perfect middle name for Ashagre:

• For those of you that have never met us in person and haven't been reading this blog since the beginning, Ashagre's name is pronounced: A-SHOG (rhymes with dog) - RAY.
• Ashagre means the transition, or the bridge between two places.
• Ashagre's birthfather's name is Tsige, pronounced SIG (rhymes with big) - AY (rhymes with pay)

So, what have you got? Please help us come up with the perfect middle name for Ashagre so we can re-adopt the kids.