Mom

Earlier today, my friend Kimberly wrote on her blog after a fairly long break from blogging: “More and more we are becoming a family with kids just like any other family with kids, which means this blog will be boring to anyone other than grandparents, relatives, and close friends.” She put into words exactly what I've been feeling as I've tried to get back into the regular habit of updating the Perfect Space. The last month, despite the chaos associated with the fact that we bought a house and moved, has been so smooth. Although it still feels a little unreal, I am starting to feel like I'm part of that family I envisioned when Brent and I first committed to adopting two kids under the age of eight nearly two years ago. I have no doubt that there won't be struggles ahead (the transition from school to summer break looms), but, for now and for the past several weeks, we've truly just existed as the Coranskis - a family with a Mommy, Daddy, Elsa, Ashagre, Buster, Lola and 9 girl chickens (as the kids refer to them).


This weekend Brent went on a camping trip with the boys while I stayed home with the kids. There were weeks not all that long ago, that the mere thought of parenting solo for three days would have instantly upped my personal stress level significantly. This weekend I actually looked forward to it. I made the decision to make it a weekend all about the kids. With the recent move, we have been asking them to entertain themselves quite a bit lately. Weekends and afternoons after school, rather than being dedicated to fun family activities, have been spent dismantling and re-building chicken coops, cleaning, and unpacking boxes while the kids play two-square (a full blown obsession among children at our kids' school right now) or ride their scooters in the driveway. In general, the kids have been great sports about the whole process, and rather than self-destructing into patterns of bad behavior in order to eliminate the anxiety they are feeling about not having our attention 100% of the time, they seem to be quite comfortable with their place in our hearts right now and have handled the whole move with a lot of maturity and flexibility. So, this weekend I pushed my own anxiety regarding the disorderly state of our home aside and spent Saturday at the park with the kids while they enjoyed a birthday party. On Sunday we went on an 8 mile bike ride (yes, Elsa pedaled her tiny little bike with a tiny little crank 8 miles) along the ocean, and after the bike ride we caught the new Madagascar movie. All three of us had a great time just enjoying the weekend and each other.

Saturday night while enjoying having our quiet new house all to myself after tucking the kids in bed, I had a realization. I'm not exactly sure when the transformation occurred, but I finally really enjoy being a mom. Now, please don't take this the wrong way. I've wanted to be Elsa and Ashagre's mom from the start, and I've been one hundred percent dedicated since the beginning, but going from no kids to two, a five year old and a six year old, overnight isn't something that you can fully internalize immediately (at least I couldn't). Over the past year I've beat myself up quite a bit over the fact that I didn't feel instantly like the mom I had envisioned myself to be. Internally there was a battle of sorts going on; the independent, career driven, selfish Dakota wasn't completely convinced she wanted to succumb to the title of mom, a title that felt embedded with obligations, sub-par work performance, and very little sense of self. I wrestled with it quite a bit; I've done some grieving and redefining and, finally, I'm proud to carry the title Mom and all that it entails.