I have so many thoughts running around in my head after reading this post that I really can't even begin to write about it. It is written by Melissa. She was adopted from Korea as a baby and raised by a loving family. As an adult she chose to search for her biological parents in Korea. Not only did she find them, but she also learned that she really hadn't ever been abandoned - it was more complicated than that. She is a great writer and a great thinker on all things adoption and I have already learned so much from reading her blog. She offers a great, if not difficult to read sometimes as an adoptive parent, from the perspective of an adult adoptee.
The post I linked to above caused quite a discussion online (read the comments below the post) - so much so that she wrote another post to address some of the issues raised. Check that post out too.
These are some of the things that keep me up at night, and will likely keep me up nights for many years to come. Adoption is complicated, and its our job (Brent and me) to do the best we can to understand it from as many angles as possible so that we can help Elsa and Asegre be at peace with the fact that we live in a far from perfect world with far from perfect options for many of children and families.
Holy smokes... I had no idea that adoption might be a topic like politics and religion that doesn't get discussed at the dinner table -- well of yester-year, anyway... what a dumb cliche. Those are some crazy threads of thought on Melissa's blog and you are a brave woman for allowing them into your mind, Dakota, but I am certainly not surprised that you did.
ReplyDeleteHow interesting to think about how the internet, and blogging in particular, is shifting both the perspective on a subject and the responsibility for it. People like Melissa blogging about the complications of adoption and her perspective on adoption as an adult adoptee give you really valuable information about something to be aware of as you raise your kids. But the availability of information also seems to pile on the weight of responsibility for each and every decision you make, starting with the first one -- to adopt.
To draw a **loose** analogy, it's like sunscreen and bike helmets for us. Our parents didn't know any better until we were a significant way through childhood because people weren't really talking about that sort of safety. Now there this no excuse for parents letting their kids get fried to a crisp or jump their dirt bikes with a bare head. Melissa's parents (and others of her generation) probably didn't have any reason to question the "relinquishment" of their daughter because it just wouldn't have occurred to them that such corruption and greed would exist that could lead to really bad adoption practices. And people weren't talking en masse about the moral and ethical questions about the very existence of adoption. But nowadays information is so prolific that the more we read and the more we learn, the more responsible we feel (well some of us anyway... the rest of them are asleep at 3 AM!).
In the end, it all happens for a reason. You want them very badly. I have to assume they want a permanent family just as badly, right? The ethical part of this that is most complicated -- the problems Melissa talks about regarding mothers or parents relinquishing children they would otherwise keep because of lacking resources and all of the social and cultural implications of that -- that's in the past, if it applied to your kids. And you didn't cause any of it by wanting to adopt. Of course it will be a part of what you and Brent share with your kids as they mature, but you've got a few years to worry over that one.
I'm glad you're finding all these different perspectives. You and I are similar in that we'd rather have more information than less so as to feel as prepared as possible. Maybe someday you will consider getting a PhD related to all this stuff you are learning and then someone will pay you to worry! Oh and to affect social change.