There You Are!

Something big happened recently and I missed it.

Just weeks ago our family was really struggling. Life was hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be despite having tried to prepare ourselves for the worst before taking the leap into parenthood. Both Brent and I were exhausted. We were stretched to what felt like our limits. Every aspect of our lives was precariously teetering on a narrow and very unstable ledge. If one thing gave, and it felt like they all could at any moment, it all would be lost. Our kids were really struggling too. One kid, in particular, was letting us know loud and clear that they were not ok.

We are not ok. There were many days a few weeks ago when I was so tempted to post those four little words on our blog and nothing more. We are not ok. I needed to cry out. I needed to tell the world, or at least those of you in it that seem to care, how things were really going. I needed someone, anyone, to hear me. Just to know. I needed a space to stop pretending that I could hold it all together. We are not ok. I didn't post it. It seemed to melodramatic. It seemed pointless.

So we trudged forward. No we battled forward, with weary arms swinging dull and damaged blades. We wrote more checks to our therapist. I had honest conversations with my new employers. Brent and I had many, many honest conversations with one another. We listened and heard each other even when doing so zapped whatever minuscule amount of personal energy and perseverance we might have been clinging too that day. We cried. We fell into our beds so tired we hurt, only to wake up the next morning before dawn to battle again. We stepped outside of our comfort zones - I stepped WAY outside of my comfort zones. We worked to break old habits and form new ones.

And then things changed. The change was so subtle I didn't even realize it was happening until sometime earlier this week when my conscious was triggered and my body reactively released some of the past weeks' stress and fear in the form of one big sigh. So this is what it feels like to be a family. To have a natural rhythm and common understanding imbedded in your day's activities. To just be together. To just be together and enjoy it. This is what I thought I signed up for! This is what it feels like!

Things are ok. We are ok! We are better than ok! (Wait, that feels dangerous putting it out there like that. Maybe I should at least delete one of those exclamation points and turn it into a period. I don't want to jinx anything).

Sometime in the last week or so, just over one year of starting this crazy experiment, our little family of four really found its groove. I know I've typed that phrase in the past - found its groove - but this is different. I don't think this is just a false groove created by a temporary lack of the really hard and messy stuff. That kind of groove is more palpable; it doesn't sneak up on you. This is different. This new rhythm is more natural. It includes the messy stuff, but the messy stuff is ok. I never signed up for no messes. Messes are the cornerstone of family life. Families do messes together. That's what they do.

The other day our therapist asked me how things were going. I began to answer her cautiously; I still had to convince myself it was true. As I continued to provide examples of how well things were going, I grew more confident in my answer. The kids are thriving. They've made HUGE academic leaps in the past few weeks - academic leaps that wouldn't be possible if they were existing in the fearful place of a few weeks ago. Both kids are making big leaps socially as well. Both kids, but one kid in particular, is showing amazing emotional growth. Work is going well for both Brent and me; we're both too busy, but things are going well. The other pieces of the puzzle that felt so precariously arranged a few weeks ago are starting to feel more managable. This weekend, I had a conversation with the kids about bickering and whining. Bickering and whining. These are things every kid struggles with, they are no where close to the things we were struggling with just a few weeks ago - struggles stemming from trauma and institutionalization.

I don't expect that we'll never be in that not ok place again. We've all still got a lot of work to do, both individually and as a family. My comfort zone still needs stretching. Both of our kids still need so much reassurance and love and understanding. There's a lot of filling up and reinforcing and nurturing to do. I'm starting to gain the understanding and accept the fact that the really hard stuff seems to bubble up explosively right before a huge leap of growth. There is still much growing to be done and I'm sure things will be tough once again.

But for today, for now, I'm just going to enjoy the messy, beautiful, crazy family we've managed to become.

We are ok.


There you are my beautiful children! There you are - the true you - the beautiful you hiding behind all that fear and sadness. Thank you. Thank you for persevering. Thank you for fighting right alongside your new Mommy and Daddy. Thank you for fighting harder than we can even imagine even as we watch you do it. Thank you for your optimism and openness and willingness to wake up each morning and keep moving forward. You take my breath away; you inspire me. Thank you for pushing, sometimes outright demanding, us to be better, to grow. You are worth it. You are so worth it.

Yes, they are eating Starbucks breakfast sandwiches
before school. No, it is not a common occurance. We
had no electricity and mommy was getting coffee. Yes,
we absolutely enjoyed our breakfast date before school.